Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I'm NOT pregnant :(

Well, most of you thought tomorrow was when we would find out if we're pregnant. That would be because I told you that. :) When, actually today(Tues. 2.8.11) was the day. We have chosen to let the world follow our in-vitro journey through this blog & facebook which means you know all our appointments, procedures, etc. We feel that since we're going through these trials maybe it will help others by following our journey. That being said, it also takes away the element of surprise by allowing "the world" to peek into our lives. Doing IVF & posting it all on here means you know when I find out if I'm pregnant etc. To have a little fun & hopefully get that element of surprise as a normal fertile couple would we chose to tell you a false date for when our pregnancy lab was. So, it was today.
Ryan & I went in at 8:45am for me to get my beta HCG level drawn to show if I was pregnant from those 3 embryos. It's not by any means instant results, we had to wait 4 hours for the Dr. to call. We didn't know exactly when he would call so to keep from going stir crazy we shopped! We left the Dr's office & went to Belk, Old Navy, Childrens Place etc :) We were keeping our eye out for Big Brother shirts so if we got good news we could buy Colt one.
While in Belk shopping I got a call from my friend & former boss, Stephanie Whitaker. She had NO CLUE we were finding out our pregnancy results today, I had told her it was tomorrow. She called to say I was on her heart. She had read a passage this morning that made her think about me. She wanted to read me the passage & pray over the phone together about this. I told her I was actually awaiting my results & was at Belk shopping so her timing was impecable! God's providence if you ask me! So I went into the dressing room to get in a quieter place where she & I could pray over the phone together. She prayed the below passage to God & that we would be able to accept whatever answer we were given today. She cried, I cried, it was so touching.
The passage:
Matthew 18: 18-20 "Take this most seriously: A yes on earth is yes in heaven; a no on earth is no in heaven. What you say to one another is eternal. I mean this. When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I'll be there."

God knew I needed to hear this passage. I believe I was on Stephanie's heart this morning for the simple fact that God knew what we were about to face & I needed a reminder that He is always with us but it may not be exactly the answer we want. But HE is in control. THANK YOU Stephanie for getting to work late :)because you took the time to share your heart with me. If you only knew at the time how much peace it would truly give me later in the day. Love you girl!

After killing time shopping we ate at the BEST burger joint in town BOHO Burger for a Bella Blue Cheese burger & fries!!! Then, we went to Barnes & Noble to kill MORE time b/c Dr. Bates still had not called with our results. It was almost 1:00 & Ryan had a sales appointment at 1:30 so he had to leave me, which HE DID NOT want to do. He wasn't gone 5 minutes when Dr. Bates called as I was meandering around Barnes & Noble. He said, "unfortunately your test was negative." Surprisingly, I didn't cry, I just said, "Ok, well I had a feeling I wasn't pregnant" (I had told Ryan that, this morning as we waited...for some reason I just didn't feel good about it) Then, I asked what do you think went wrong? Dr. B said well of course they would have loved to have had more embryos to choose from (since I had like 8 with Coltons cycle & only 3 with this one) BUT the ones they did have he was very pleased with & they had really high hopes of me getting pregnant (keep in mind my success rate is only 60% & will never be higher than that). Dr. B said there is only so much they can do once the embryos are in me it's left to my body to do the rest. So...there it was! I FINALLY had the news I had anticipated all day. I think I was just relieved to have an answer one way or the other. I rushed out of B&N b/c I felt the tears coming on . I called Ryan before he reached his appointment & balled as I told him. He being my "Rock" said encouraging words but expressed his disappointment at the same time. He HATED he wasn't with me. He did keep repeating that part :) I decided to go on home. I was debating whether I should go see my lil' man, Colt, at Mimi & PawPaws house b/c I was really missing him even more so after getting this news. I just wanted to see his smiling face & hear that adorable laugh of his! I decided to go home & lay in bed which was the other thing I wanted to do. My sister told me not to do that but to go do something that makes me go get a starbucks! But, I couldn't. I didn't want one. (If you know me you know that's just CRAZY!)  Since Ryan had another appointment after his 1:30 I knew he wouldn't be home until 4:00 so I laid in bed & fell asleep. My adorable husband got home with an awesome card for me & a picture frame that said Family-Memories of a Lifetime & it had a picture of a family of 3 in it. I knew exactly what he meant with that present, a reminder to thank God for the family of 3 we have. So I'll be putting a picture in there of Ryan, Colt & I. Then, I called my family & we went to Ryan's folks house to tell them & had some dinner at Cracker Barrel with them. I haven't cried since that one time with Ryan over the phone. I can't explain the peace I feel over all this. I DID NOT expect this peace at all. I KNOW to give credit to GOD for the peace that passes all understanding though. (Philippians 4:7) I don't know why I was able to get pregnant with Colton the first time I did IVF in 2009 with 2 embryos & now in 2011 with 3 embryos I didn't...but I do know I'll be able to ask God one day. Until then, we'll press on...we have an appointment tomorrow morning with Dr. Bates to discuss the future...what we should do...what he would do differently etc. I feel I need to go ahead & discuss this & "get it over with" I guess :)

Thank you to ALL OF YOU who have followed us through needle prick after needle prick!  For your words of encouragement & most importantly your prayers. I still have hopes of being a mom to 2 or more children...whether they're biological or not...only God knows for now. We'll just keep praying for another blessing.